{"id":3140,"date":"2018-05-21T16:46:15","date_gmt":"2018-05-21T16:46:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/9d3e54d4b2.nxcli.net\/?p=3140"},"modified":"2026-03-12T21:35:48","modified_gmt":"2026-03-12T21:35:48","slug":"is-friend-digging-the-new-gold-digging","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/rcourihay.com\/staging\/blog\/is-friend-digging-the-new-gold-digging\/","title":{"rendered":"Is Friend-Digging the New Gold-Digging?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Is Friend-Digging the New Gold-Digging?<\/h3>\n

Back when people still read books instead of binge-watching Netflix, Edith Wharton\u2019s\u00a0Th<\/em>e House of Mirth<\/em>\u00a0was a cautionary tale for the aspiring social climber. Pity poor Lily Bart, who tried too hard to find a wealthy and eligible suitor and ended up\u2014spoiler alert!\u2014in even worse shape than simply penniless and alone.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s likely a few stragglers with stars in their eyes still scheme with the intention of finding a rich husband or wife. But the repercussions of marrying solely for money don\u2019t always play out so well, and the truth is it\u2019s overkill. Why chain yourself to an otherwise unappealing spouse when private jet rides, unending stays in that Lyford Cay guest cottage, hundreds of thousands of Instagram followers, or almost any other modern-day status symbol is attainable via a strategic friendship?<\/p>\n

“People realize you can monetize social cachet.”<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t come to New York to look at butterflies,\u201d says one fashion publicist who married a man in the travel industry not for love but for access to international first class tickets. \u201cYou come with a goal. It\u2019s very business-driven.\u201d Meaning it\u2019s all about your network. In turn, gold-digging, that classic pastime, has begat \u201cfriend-digging\u201d\u2014using your closest circle to get ahead.<\/p>\n

Social climbing in this manner has been around for centuries. Think of John Jacob Astor, Truman Capote, Madonna, or even Donald Trump. \u201cYou\u2019re either on the Z list or the D, moving to C or B or A,\u201dsays R. Couri Hay, a publicist hired by social figures to make names for themselves in New York. \u201cWherever you start, you\u2019re moving up with well-placed appearances, well-written notes, and memorable conversations.\u201d<\/p>\n

Or by getting tips from\u00a0The Social Climber\u2019s Bible<\/em>, which the writer Dirk Wittenborn published with his niece Jazz Johnson as a parody. One section discusses how our Pilgrim forefathers \u201cwould have starved to death had they not shamelessly sucked up to the Indians and invited them to cater that first Thanksgiving.\u201d Wittenborn says he was astounded to learn that many readers use it as an instruction manual. Tips range from investing in art or films to get closer to the right kinds of people, to how exactly to behave at a cocktail party. However, readers of different ages take different meanings from the book.<\/p>\n

“The goal now is to make their lives seem more fabulous than they are.”<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m from a generation that wanted our lives to be a French movie, but I see a lot fewer people these days looking to have an a air. It\u2019s not a very romantic time,\u201d Wittenborn says. \u201cThe goal now is to make their lives seem more fabulous than they are, and they go into the exchange that way. There\u2019s not a lot of guile anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n

Especially now that it\u2019s easier than ever to seem more extraordinary than you might be. Friend-digging has become so widespread because, in the social media age, it earns dividends. Instagram means there are benefits, both social and financial, to appearing to have a fabulous life\u2014beyond, you know, actually having one.<\/p>\n

\u201cPeople realize you can monetize social cachet,\u201d says one movie executive. \u201cLook at Hannah Bronfman. I made fun of her when she was posting all this stuff\u201d\u2014 i.e., selfies anywhere and everywhere\u2014\u201cbut now she\u2019s making a lot of money.\u201d<\/p>\n

The executive believes that it\u2019s all about aligning yourself with the right people not just in real life but also virtually. A stylist can get endorsements and deals by showing off her celebrity friends and clients, for instance. \u201cThen you become part of the squad.\u201d<\/p>\n

The fact that it\u2019s so easy nowadays to connect with the people you aspire to befriend\u2014via e-mail, Instagram tags, direct Twitter messages\u2014means the targets of friend-digging are more suspicious than ever.<\/p>\n

\u201cI get outreach every day on social media for connections, for favors, for jewelry,\u201d says one popular and successful jewelry designer. \u201cIt gives people who are strangers the feeling that they can be intimate with people they aren\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo question the internet makes it easier to find people,\u201d says Jean Shafiroff, a philanthropist and the subject of a\u00a02017\u00a0New York Times<\/em>\u00a0profile<\/a>\u00a0headlined \u201cClimbing the Socialite Ladder, One Gala at a Time.\u201d Now that she has arguably made a successful ascent, Shafiroff herself often receives e-mails from people she does not know requesting invitations to parties. \u201cI\u2019ll certainly google them and find out what they\u2019re about,\u201d she says. \u201cBut you don\u2019t do that. You don\u2019t invite yourself to parties. If someone wants to be a friend, they should invite me out for a cup of coffee.\u201d<\/p>\n

A simple iced latte at Via Quadronno, though, can lead to a lifetime of fielding requests from a relentless mooch. Hay, the publicist, believes that social climbing hasn\u2019t changed much over the years.<\/p>\n

Certainly, having money to donate to well-regarded and fashionable causes helps, but some less expensive tricks of the trade include finding an older, established mentor; sending subtle gifts; making well-placed appearances; and mastering the art of sparkling conversation.<\/p>\n

\u201cPeople still expect you to be clever and witty and smart and savvy and current while staying away from religion and politics,\u201d Hay says. \u201cBut it\u2019s such a crowded space. It\u2019s harder and harder to stand out.\u201d<\/p>\n

Of course, there\u2019s having money, and then there\u2019s having access. \u201cOnce you get the McMansion, you\u2019re going to feel hollow unless you have all the tinsel on it,\u201d Wittenborn says, meaning that the quest for status doesn\u2019t end with things. Over the summer, in St. Tropez, one globe-trotting socialite who has maneuvered her way onto many a private jet watched as a blonde New Yorker made it onto a mutual friend\u2019s yacht without an invitation several days running. The blonde took photos of the scene and posted them on social media as soon as she got on the boat.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe has her own money\u2014it\u2019s not that,\u201d says the globe-trotter. It\u2019s about being in the right place at the right time with the right people. And if they can\u2019t get there on their own, some strivers will invite popular houseguests to stay with them in the hopes of tagging along to the happening party when they themselves haven\u2019t been invited. If Instagramming from an exclusive event is the new social currency, some people will get it by any means necessary.<\/p>\n

“You don\u2019t look at it as if they\u2019re using you. You look at it as, \u2018I don\u2019t want to be lonely.\u2019 If you\u2019re a billionaire, you have a lot of empty houses to fill.”<\/strong><\/p>\n

But perhaps friend-digging is just a term that surfaces when you simply don\u2019t like the people you\u2019re hanging out with. \u201cIf I had a billion dollars, I\u2019d be happy to have my friends travel with me,\u201d says the globe-trotter. \u201cWouldn\u2019t you?\u201d Another New York\u2013based socialite echoes that idea, observing that sometimes those who seem like friend-diggers to outsiders are really just people you happen to enjoy having around. \u201cYou don\u2019t look at it as if they\u2019re using you. You look at it as, \u2018I don\u2019t want to be lonely,\u2019\u201d says the socialite. \u201cIf you\u2019re a billionaire, you have a lot of empty houses to fill.\u201d<\/p>\n

View Article on Town & Country <\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Is Friend-Digging the New Gold-Digging? Back when people still read books instead of binge-watching Netflix, Edith Wharton\u2019s\u00a0The House of Mirth\u00a0was a cautionary tale for […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":9228,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1974],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3140","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-recent-press"],"acf":{"full_width":false,"header_transparent":false,"header_white":false},"yoast_head":"\nIs Friend-Digging the New Gold-Digging? - R. Couri Hay<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Is Friend-Digging the New Gold-Digging? 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