{"id":5531,"date":"2021-07-20T10:04:51","date_gmt":"2021-07-20T14:04:51","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/rcourihay.com\/?p=5531"},"modified":"2026-03-13T17:09:50","modified_gmt":"2026-03-13T17:09:50","slug":"r-couri-hay-new-york-times","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/rcourihay.com\/staging\/blog\/r-couri-hay-new-york-times\/","title":{"rendered":"R. Couri Hay | The New York Times"},"content":{"rendered":"<h3 id=\"link-4cc97821\" data-testid=\"headline\">It Was Nice Not Running Into You<\/h3>\n<p id=\"article-summary\">Ex-lovers, outcasts and frenemies were easy to avoid during the pandemic. Now those awkward social encounters are back.<\/p>\n<p>The original article appeared in The New York Times online on July 17, 2021. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.nytimes.com\/2021\/07\/17\/style\/social-situations.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Click here<\/a> to view.<\/p>\n<style>\/*! elementor - v3.5.4 - 23-01-2022 *\/<br \/>\n.elementor-widget-image{text-align:center}.elementor-widget-image a{display:inline-block}.elementor-widget-image a img[src$=\".svg\"]{width:48px}.elementor-widget-image img{vertical-align:middle;display:inline-block}<\/style>\n<figure><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/rcourihay.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/07\/17awkward-encounters-mobileMasterAt3x-1024x768.jpg\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\" srcset=\"https:\/\/rcourihay.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/07\/17awkward-encounters-mobileMasterAt3x-1024x768.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/rcourihay.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/07\/17awkward-encounters-mobileMasterAt3x-300x225.jpg 300w, https:\/\/rcourihay.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/07\/17awkward-encounters-mobileMasterAt3x-768x576.jpg 768w, https:\/\/rcourihay.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/07\/17awkward-encounters-mobileMasterAt3x-1536x1152.jpg 1536w, https:\/\/rcourihay.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/07\/17awkward-encounters-mobileMasterAt3x.jpg 1800w\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"480\" \/><figcaption>Dominic Kesterton<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<header>By <strong>Bob Morris<\/strong><br \/>\n<time datetime=\"2021-07-17T05:00:05-04:00\">July 17, 2021<\/time><time datetime=\"2021-07-17T05:00:05-04:00\"><br \/>\n<\/time><\/header>\n<section>The party was for the unveiling of a 1910 Grosvenor Atterbury mansion in Southampton that the developer David Walentas hopes to sell for $35 million. But the sprawling property didn\u2019t sprawl quite enough for two guests in particular.<\/p>\n<p>Jesse Warren, 38, the town\u2019s mayor, and his opponent, Michael Irving, 67, had been at war for weeks in what Newsday called \u201c<a title=\"\" href=\"https:\/\/www.newsday.com\/long-island\/suffolk\/mayor-incumbent-warren-irving-suffolk-pba-village-1.50282911\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">likely Long Island\u2019s most contentious mayoral race this year<\/a>.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>During the pandemic, they had been able to avoid each other in social settings. No longer.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI haven\u2019t said hello to him yet,\u201d Mr. Warren said while the two stood within hearing distance, backs turned. \u201cBut I\u2019ll try to be nice.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ah, the perils of socializing in real life again and running into people you would rather not see. That was a nonissue up until recently, when events were canceled or moved online. Even as socializing slowly crept back in the form of outdoor dining and the occasional garden party, face coverings and social distancing made it easy to avoid intimate contact.<\/p>\n<p>But now the snake-pit moments in the social fishbowl are back with a vengeance \u2014 whether it\u2019s running into a bitter former spouse, a business associate who hasn\u2019t returned a call, a tabloid reporter who threw you under the bus, or a socialite wearing the same designer dress.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAll these guests come out for the first time in over a year for a lovely party, and they have no idea they\u2019re walking into World War III on the lawn,\u201d said Peggy Siegal, the high-profile event planner who hosted the Southampton party. Ms. Siegal was organizing her first event in nearly two years after being shunned by clients for including\u00a0<a title=\"\" href=\"https:\/\/www.nytimes.com\/2019\/07\/13\/nyregion\/jeffrey-epstein-new-york-elite.html\">Jeffrey Epstein on her guest lists<\/a>, and she was hoping that no awkward encounters would ensue.<\/p>\n<p>The awkward social run-ins are not confined to the Hamptons, of course. \u201cEveryone\u2019s afraid of running into everyone right now,\u201d said R. Couri Hay, a press agent who consults on guest lists for society events. \u201cAnd it doesn\u2019t help when parties are smaller.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Heaven help you, for instance, if you end up at the same cocktail party as a former boss whom you despise, or a socialite who took you off her list, or a celebrity friend in a sex scandal.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHosts right now are asserting more control over guest lists to avoid awkwardness,\u201d Mr. Hay added, noting that unnamed plus-ones and summer houseguests in tow can be problematic. \u201cSome of it is driven by social media and cancel culture, but it\u2019s also driven by hosts not wanting ex-husbands to show up with girlfriends half their age who they met during lockdown.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Some highly social types are taking a lay-low approach, too.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cInstead of yelling \u2018Hello!\u2019 when you see people you know at La Goulue, you just pass by quietly if you aren\u2019t close friends,\u201d said Frederick Anderson, the society fashion designer. \u201cThis past year has been so isolating and has pitted so many people against each other that it\u2019s going to take a few minutes to feel comfortable and inclusive again.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Others have to turn a blind eye on a regular basis. Alvin Valley, the fashion designer, keeps running into a client who borrowed and has not paid for a mink coat. \u201cI\u2019m suddenly seeing her at all the parties in New York and the Hamptons,\u201d he said, \u201cand I have to avoid her so it doesn\u2019t turn ugly.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>For Rosie Perez, who is terrible at faking her feelings, lockdown life kept her isolated enough to avoid most uncomfortable encounters. But she recently saw a friend who had gained weight during the pandemic, and her candid reaction got her in trouble. \u201cMy eyebrows always go up when I\u2019m lying to be polite,\u201d she said, \u201cwhich is how you can tell I don\u2019t use Botox.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>For some, the risk of an uncomfortable encounter is so severe that it keeps them from accepting invitations.<\/p>\n<p>Alexandra Petri, a columnist for The Washington Post and the author of \u201cA Field Guide to Awkward Silences,\u201d spends too much time scripting her responses to imaginary encounters with all the people whose emails she has not returned. \u201cI think I will probably fling myself at the person\u2019s feet,\u201d she said. \u201cThis is why I\u2019ve been trying to avoid parties.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The awkwardness can be especially difficult for those facing social ostracism.<\/p>\n<p>Kristina Kovalyuk, a political consultant who had worked on Eric Adams\u2019s mayoral campaign, started getting shunned by clients and old friends after The\u00a0<a title=\"\" href=\"https:\/\/nypost.com\/2021\/05\/01\/eric-adams-mayoral-campaign-pays-30000-to-con-woman-consultant\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">New York Post<\/a> ran an article in May about her being previously charged with shoplifting and selling a fake Chanel handbag.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI ran into someone at Butterfly in Soho who I\u2019d texted twice to get together,\u201d she said. \u201cHe started stuttering that he didn\u2019t know I was back in town from the winter in Palm Beach.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She also recalled running into a potential client at Nello, who told her that he was laying low, but that they should have lunch. \u201cWhich means never,\u201d Ms. Kovalyuk said. \u201cPeople are still using Covid as an excuse even when the Iron Curtain has lifted.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>How to handle all this? The most obvious way is to just be pleasant or so radiant that you burn the ill will away.<\/p>\n<p>And while some may still surreptitiously swap place cards before sitting down to dinner or stay laser-focused in conversations as a protective shield from unwanted intrusions, the more gracious among us will face the thorny issues head on and rise to the occasion.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhen you\u2019ve done something that upsets someone \u2014 no matter who\u2019s right \u2014 always start the conversation by acknowledging how your actions affected the other person,\u201d said Peter Bregman, the host of the \u201c<a title=\"\" href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/bregman-leadership-podcast\/id1072565707\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Bregman Leadership Podcast<\/a>\u201d and a contributor to the Harvard Business Review<em>.<\/em>\u00a0\u201cSave the discussions about your intentions for later.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>But breaking the ice doesn\u2019t need to be heavy. Sometimes it\u2019s as simple as saying \u201chi.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhen I know people are fighting and they show up at the same party, I bring them together and it gets them talking,\u201d said Patrick McMullan, the society photographer.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s what he did at the Southampton party, when he got the two mayoral candidates to shake hands for a photograph. (Mr. Warren won a second term a week later, though Mr. Irving said there were voter irregularities.)<\/p>\n<p>Ms. Siegal, who sailed through the party without an awkward moment, looked pleased. The mayors had behaved. \u201cThey didn\u2019t even argue or have a food fight on the lawn,\u201d the event planner said.<\/p>\n<p>It was hard to tell if she sounded relieved or disappointed.<\/p>\n<aside aria-label=\"companion column\"><\/aside>\n<\/section>\n<p>A version of this article appears in print on\u00a0July 18, 2021, Section\u00a0ST, Page\u00a06\u00a0of the New York edition\u00a0with the headline:\u00a0It Was Nice Not Running Into You.\u00a0<a href=\"http:\/\/www.nytreprints.com\/\">Order Reprints<\/a>\u00a0|\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.nytimes.com\/section\/todayspaper\">Today\u2019s Paper<\/a>\u00a0|\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.nytimes.com\/subscriptions\/Multiproduct\/lp8HYKU.html?campaignId=48JQY\">Subscribe<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>It Was Nice Not Running Into You Ex-lovers, outcasts and frenemies were easy to avoid during the pandemic. Now those awkward social encounters are [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":9108,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1973],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5531","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-editorials"],"acf":{"full_width":false,"header_transparent":false,"header_white":false},"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.8 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>R. Couri Hay | The New York Times - R. Couri Hay<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"It Was Nice Not Running Into You Ex-lovers, outcasts and frenemies were easy to avoid during the pandemic. 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